Happiness
by Yuki Scorpio
Summary: A tragic accident falls upon Fuji. Traumatised and shattered, he rebuilds himself slowly, without knowing he is doing it at the expense of Tezuka's happiness.
1. Part 1

**Warnings: character death** (in the beginning, shouldn't be too traumatising), **shounen ai**

Some minor details of this story follows my other PoT fic [Little Prince], but you don't need to know that story to read this one.

Feedback much appreciated. Enjoy.

=YS=

**[Happiness]**

Part One

_Very few people would ever have the opportunity to find out what the crushing of human flesh and bones sounds like._

_Those who do would give anything to forget that sound._

But as he watches blood seep out from under the chunk of concrete, it is not the sound of crushing human flesh and bones - he heard it, loud and clear, despite the impact noise of concrete to ground - that burns into his soul. It is the sound of heartbreak that does.

It sounds like this:

"YUUTA! YUUUTAAAA!!!"

* * *

"Hoi hoi! Let me introduce this month's special guests!" Kikumaru stands up, hitting the rim of his glass of tea with a chopstick to catch everyone's attention. "First of all, we have... oh, what's your name again?"

"Mizuki Hajime." Mizuki glares at Kikumaru, knowing that has been deliberate.

"Yes, we have our old friend from St. Rudolph: Mizuki-kun!" Kikumaru laughs, "Don't mind don't mind, Mizuki-kun, of course we remember you! Or at least Fujiko does!"

Mizuki looks to Fuji, who chuckles and says, "I don't hold grudges for that long."

"Nya! Also, we have another St. Rudolph friend, Yuuta-kun!"

Seated beside his brother, Fuji Yuuta habitually scratches the cross scar on his forehead and says something about Kikumaru being drunk already, which earns him a round of applause and an offer of a beer from Momoshirou. This is vetoed by Fuji Syusuke because neither Momoshirou nor Yuuta are of legal drinking age yet.

This is the Seigaku monthly gathering. After graduating from Seishun High School, Tezuka, Fuji, Inui, Ooishi and Kikumaru have set on different paths, to pursue their different futures: Ooishi and Kikumaru moved on directly to Seishun University; Inui left the elevator system to study elsewhere, and Tezuka and Fuji are now part-time students, training to become professional tennis players at different establishments. Despite their physical distances, friendship forged in the months of going through highs and lows together is strong, and once a month these old friends would meet at Kawamura Sushi, sometimes joined by friends from other schools. This is the day they all look forward to every month, for no amount of letters, phonecalls or emails can mean as much as seeing each other face to face.

It is a night of gossips and announcements - Tachibana An and Kamio have broken up and then gotten back together; Momo suspects that a female teacher at Seishun High fancies Echizen; Mizuki is actually gay (no one tries to stop Mizuki from strangling a hyper and babbling Kikumaru at that point); Inui has received special funding to research on sports supplements as part of his sports science degree; and Fuji has won second prize in an amateur photography competition he entered on a whim two months ago.

Tezuka stays silent most of the time. Nobody seems to mind or even notice this, since his regular attendance to the gathering is enough proof that he enjoys the event. He only speaks if he is spoken to, when he is offered food or tea, or when he declines another offer of sake from Fuji, who likes alcohol for the tickling warmth it gives to his throat and stomach, and has a tolerance for it that surpasses even his tolerance for spicy food and the infamous Inui Juice. Because of this, and Fuji's phenomenal tennis skills, Echizen asks if Fuji-senpai is actually human. After a lengthy discussion that involves also Mizuki and Yuuta, the party decides that Fuji most probably is a monster in a man's disguise. Fuji chuckles his way through the entire conversation.

When the meal is over and the tables cleared, Kikumaru stands up again, holding a soup spoon like a mic. "Would Captain please say a few words nya?"

They still refer to Tezuka as Captain, although it is now a more lovingly called nickname, just to annoy him.

Tezuka sighs. They just have to make him do this every month. He politely but firmly declines Kikumaru's offer of the spoon, and prepares to speak. At the table behind him, Momoshirou shouts out, imitating his voice, "Let's not get careless!", making everyone laugh. Tezuka immediately tells him to run laps, and Momoshirou obediently does so, getting up to run around his small table.

When the ruckus dies down, Tezuka begins. "The meal was very nice. Thank you, Kawamura."

As the party clap their hands, Kawamura bows his head, rubs the back of his neck, and gives a shy smile.

"And..." Tezuka looks about him. "My coach has helped me get a government sponsorship. I'm going to London for a year."

The response is an unanimous "Heh?", even though Fuji's reaction is faked since he had already heard about it two weeks ago.

Tezuka handles the bombardment of questions with ease: he will be leaving in ten days' time, yes it is that all expense-paid sponsorship for the country's best budding sportsmen, given only to five out of the thousands who apply, yes London is the place where they hold the Wimbledon tournaments but that has got nothing to do with his training, no he doesn't think he'll come back to visit within that year, and no, he doesn't want another sake, thank you.

"Let's do a toast." Fuji finally says, to save Tezuka from getting drowned by another round of questions. "To our Captain. All the best!"

"To Captain Tezuka!"

"Captain's going to be the best export England will ever get from Japan!"

"That's stupid. It's not a permanent relocation."

"What's your problem, Viper?"

"Fushuu..."

When the evening finally draws to a close, the party departs, and one by one they go home, by car or train, leaving only the Fuji brothers, Mizuki and Tezuka going to the bus stop.

"That was fun wasn't it, Yuuta?" Fuji smiles at his little brother, who unwillingly agrees. They walk side by side, Mizuki just a few steps behinds them, and Tezuka at the back.

Mizuki, tugging his hands into the pockets of his deep purple coat, grumbles something about a crazy Kikumaru Eiji. Suddenly something small but heavy hits his shoulder, then falls to the ground beside his feet. He stops and leans down to see what it is.

"Rocks? But where..."

Tezuka follows Mizuki's gaze and looks up. In that split second, a dull cracking noise sounds above them, and something breaks off from the ceiling of the pedestrian tunnel they are in.

It is over before either of them can move, or say a word, or even just comprehend what they are seeing.

Fuji screams in pain, knocked down and a leg pierced through by a thin, rusted reinforcement bar exposed in a small chuck of fallen concrete. And Yuuta...

Tezuka and Mizuki stand there, frozen in shock.

"Yuuta?" Suddenly, as if his leg doesn't hurt anymore, Fuji opens his eyes wide and tries to look around him. "What's going on? Where's Yuuta?"

They spring into action. Tezuka rushes to Fuji's side. Mizuki calls the emergency services.

"Tezuka, where's Yuuta?"

Tezuka crouches down, grabs Fuji's hand and squeezes it.

"Where's Yuuta!" Fuji glares at his friend, growling the words out.

And then Mizuki says the emergency operator told them to evacuate from the tunnel in case of further collapses. Tezuka replies with a firm "no", because it would be impossible for Fuji to move, and he could not leave him like this. He tells Mizuki to go. Mizuki struggles with himself for a moment, then decides to stay also. He walks to where Yuuta is, and falls to his knees. "Yuuta-kun..."

Finally, realisation dawns onto Fuji, and he looks to his side. A few feet away, under a large piece of concrete that buries his body completely except for an arm, Yuuta is silent.

How much Fuji can see under the concrete as he lays on the ground, Tezuka doesn't know. As he kneels down beside his fallen friend, he doesn't dare to peer under the concrete to see Yuuta's condition.

"YUUTA! YUUUTAAAA!!!"

Fuji's screams echo inside the tunnel, angry, desperate, hysterical. He tries to crawl to his younger brother, reaching for that arm, and Tezuka pins him down.

"GO AWAY! YUUTA NEEDS HELP!"

"Help is coming! You can't move around with your leg like that!"

"LET GO OF ME! YUUTA!"

Laying on the ground and pinned by the weight on his leg, Fuji fights Tezuka like a caged animal, scratching his hands with his nails, trying to pull himself free.

"LET GO OF ME!"

"Fuji! No!"

"YUUTA! ANIKI IS HERE! YUUTA!" Fuji screams again, his voice choking in tears of desperation. Tezuka bites his lips, his grip on Fuji loosening. Crushed under such a weight, Yuuta must...

He shakes his head. The only thing he can do now is stop Fuji from hurting himself further.

And then blood begins seeping out from where Yuuta is, pooling around the lifeless arm. Mizuki gasps, the sight of blood waking him from his trance, and he scrambles to his feet to get away from the blood. Then he sees Tezuka struggling to hold Fuji down, and the blood that is coming out from Fuji's wound soaking through his pants. The same blood that is bleeding out of Yuuta.

He undoes his belt and pulls it free, runs to Fuji and ties his thigh with it to restrain the bleeding. "Hold on, Fuji-kun!"

The minutes they spend waiting for help feel like hours. Eventually strength and will drain out of Fuji. He just lays still on the ground, staring at the weight that is on top of his brother.

"Aniki's here... Yuuta, aniki's here..."

There are no more tears in Fuji's voice, nor is he screaming anymore. He lets Tezuka drape his long coat over him, and doesn't complain when Mizuki sits down beside him, strategically blocking Yuuta from his view.

"Yuuta, aniki's here..."

* * *

Tezuka and Mizuki are escorted away from the scene when help arrived. In a way Tezuka is glad. He doesn't want to watch them lift that piece of concrete off Yuuta. He doesn't want to know what it looks like underneath.

They are taken to a hospital to be checked over. Tezuka's hands are cleaned and bandaged. They give accounts on what had happened, then they are told that they are free to go.

Tezuka and Mizuki exchange a look. Right now, neither of them know what to do, but they don't want to leave, even though they can't do anything by staying. The Fuji family is coming, and they have been told by the ambulance crew that Fuji Syusuke will be okay. There is nothing left for them to do.

Mizuki waits until Fuji's family arrives. He says a few quick words of condolences to them, surprising Tezuka with this side of his character, then he leaves, saying that he is very, very tired.

Tezuka stays with the family until doctors come to confirm that Fuji Syusuke's conditions are stable. Fuji's parents are too shocked to say or acknowledge anything, but his sister Yumiko bows to him when he leaves, and he bows back, both of them silent.

* * *

Yuuta's death had been instantaneous, but that is no consolation for anyone who knew him. His funeral is attended by many, many people, from his school and others. But his brother is absent; Fuji has to stay in the hospital. With the family's understanding, Tezuka goes to Fuji instead, and stays with him through the day.

"Tezuka."

"Hm?"

"Show me your hands."

With a sigh, Tezuka gives his hands to Fuji. Fuji runs his fingertips over the scalping scratch marks on the back of Tezuka's hands, frowning slightly.

"It doesn't hurt." Tezuka says, before Fuji can say anything.

"Did your parents say anything?

"I said it was from a cat."

Fuji chuckles softly. "You should've said it's from an abusive boyfriend."

They fall silent. Tezuka turns away, closing his eyes for a brief moment, sighing silently. Then he gets up, taking Fuji's water flask to wash and refill it. He comes back and sets the flask on the table beside Fuji's bed.

"Fuji - "

"Can I go visit you in London?" Fuji asks, with the usual smile pasted on his lips.

Tezuka ignores the question, fixing his eyes on Fuji's. "Will you be okay?" He knows Fuji's leg is going to be fine, because the doctors said so, but since that accident, he has not spoke once about Yuuta, and it is worrying everyone, including Tezuka.

"What time is your flight tomorrow? I'll call you, since I can't go to the airport."

"Answer me. Will you be okay?"

"I've always wanted to go to Europe. If you're there it gives me a good excuse."

"Don't shut it out, Fuji."

"London. That sounds so far away. How long does it take to get there? Thirteen, fourteen hours?"

"That's enough!" Tezuka growls and stands up abruptly, his chair falling back with a clatter. His eyes are fierce behind rimless glasses, but at the same time they are filled with a sadness that Fuji can see. "Yuuta is dead, but it's not the end of the world. He wouldn't want to see you like this."

Fuji's smile doesn't waver, nor does he flinch at the mention of his brother's name. "Don't be so angry, Captain. What do you want me to do? Scream? Cry? Kill myself?"

Tezuka rubs his forehead and tells himself to be patient. He sets his chair right and sits down again. For the next several minutes he does not move, his brown eyes fixed on Fuji's blue ones. He waits. Finally, Fuji looks away to the other side of the room, towards the window.

"Have you spoken to Mizuki since that time?" He whispers. "How's he?"

"He has trouble sleeping. He's seeing a doctor now, and getting better." Tezuka says matter-of-factly. "Which is what you need to do if it gets too much for you. I'm saying if. "

"I know." Fuji smiles again. Tezuka is treating him as a friend, not a patient, and for that he is grateful. "And you?"

"... I'm fine."

"That's good."

"Fuji, I can't leave Japan with you like this."

Fuji blinks several times, surprised. Then he laughs a little. "But you aren't supposed to be so nice to me, Tezuka, remember?" He studies Tezuka's face, seeing him look around again. "My flowers. They need a change of water." He suggests, pointing at the vase of freesias that his sister bought him.

Tezuka, not sure if he should be glad that Fuji just gave him an exit or not, gets up and tends to the flowers. When he gets back, Fuji grins at him with a look of mischief.

"So what do you want me to do, Tezuka?"

"Tell me you'll be okay." Tezuka says. He needs to know this before he leaves the country, otherwise he will always feel restless. He is not the type of man who can forget a friend's misery. "Promise me you'll talk to someone if things get on top of you."

"But Tezuka," Fuji laughs again, as if he is really amused by Tezuka's concern. "Of course I'll be okay. Have you ever seen me otherwise?" He says, finality in his voice, and Tezuka knows this is the best he will ever get from his friend. Of course he has seen Fuji at different states of distress, and they both know this, but now is not the time to bring up any of that...

... Particularly not the time Fuji clawed at him, demanding, begging him to let him go, screaming his brother's name, choking in his own tears.

That was what heartbreak sounds like. Tezuka will never forget everything he saw, heard, and felt, in those few minutes they spent waiting for help. It had been a stupid thing to do to stay in that tunnel, under the exact spot where the collapse happened, but it was the right thing to do. There was no way he could just leave Fuji alone there, at such a horrific scene.

"You should go home. Spend some time with your family... you're leaving tomorrow afterall."

Tezuka looks at the time. The funeral should be over now, and Fuji Yumiko said she'll come as soon as possible, so it should be fine. He gets up for the third and final time.

"Hey, you didn't say if I can go visit you or not."

Tezuka thinks for a moment. "Yes, you can."

A genuine smile breaks on Fuji's face, and his blue eyes brighten. "That's good. I'll go get a visa done and all."

"Hm. Take care."

* * *

This isn't the first time for Tezuka to live in a foreign country, but it has still taken him a long time to settle down into his new London home. London is altogether a much more confusing city than where he stayed in Germany a few years ago, and despite reading English novels everyday, his command of the language is still poor. Luckily tennis isn't a sport that requires much verbal instruction, and he manages well in his 4-days a week intensive training.

He goes home everyday to find his email inbox filled with messages. Most of them are from friends from Seigaku and his training establishment back in Japan, the rest are from his family. Kikumaru writes to fill him in with the gossips; Ooishi writes to give a more proper account of what's really going on; Echizen writes to complain about Momoshirou; Momoshirou writes with the latest sensei-loves-Echizen news; and Fuji writes to say that his leg is healing well, he can now walk without clutches, and he can start doing sports again soon. He has even received a message from Mizuki, just saying hello, and also Atobe Keigo, who asks for a match when he gets back to see if this London trip has done him any good.

Tezuka spends a good deal of time everyday reading these messages, although he seldom reply and even if he does, he writes only briefly.

On the sixth week of his arrival in London, Tezuka receives an email from Fuji Yumiko, asking if it is okay for her to call him. They arrange a time, and phone rings promptly.

"Hello, Tezuka-kun."

"Fuji-san."

"How're you doing in London? Have you settled down?"

"Everything is okay, thank you." Tezuka notices the slight hitch in Yumiko's voice. "How about you?"

"I..." Yumiko sighs heavily. "Let's cut straight to the point, Tezuka-kun. It's about Syusuke."

The Fuji family is one torn apart by grief.

The parents do not talk about Yuuta. They live as if he never existed, hiding all his pictures, putting his ashes away in his bedroom, erasing his presence from the house. His mother is seldom at home and even if she is, she is like an empty shell, unmotivated and uninterested in anything at all. Syusuke and Yumiko now run the house, cooking, doing housework. It is as if their mother has suddenly aged by several decades, unable to do anything by herself anymore. Their father spends longer hours at work then ever before, and he is helpless at the family's situation, nor is he willing to do anything about it.

The children are struggling to keep the family together. Syusuke does what he can, with his usual smile, and without a complaint. Yumiko tries to get off work early whenever she can to help him.

And Syusuke... Yumiko worries about him the most.

Syusuke doesn't speak anymore. For the last six weeks, Yumiko had not heard her brother say a single word.

Every night, when all the work is done, he sits in Yuuta's bedroom and stares into space, and nothing Yumiko says seems to get to him. Not knowing what she should do, Yumiko locked Yuuta's door. That night, when Syusuke put his hand on the doorknob and found that he couldn't turn it, he knelt on the floor and began to tremble and whimper, like he was in pain.

Yumiko arranged Syusuke to see a psychiatrist, but he has been skipping appointments. She tried to quit her job to take care of her family, but she is bound by contract and cannot afford the huge fine for breach of contract. She has asked Syusuke's close friends to spend more time with him, but with them scattered all about in Japan, there is only so much they can do. Right now she also has to deal with the civil lawsuit on the freak accident that killed her youngest brother, which is likely to drag on for months, if not years.

"This is a family's problem, Tezuka-kun, and I know I shouldn't burden you with it, I'm really sorry... but I just don't know what to do now... all I know is that Syusuke listens to you. He always does. He absolutely looks up to you and adores you. And you were with him when Yuuta died. Maybe if you give him a call..." Yumiko struggles to keep herself from crying. "Syusuke loves Yuuta so much. I know he'd rather be the one who died, and I can't watch my brother like this anymore..."

Tezuka is at a loss for words. He walks to his computer, and opens the email from Fuji just last night. His words were positive, not revealing anything that Yumiko has just described to him. And emails from Kikumaru and Ooishi said nothing about this either.

"Fuji-san, it's been a hard time for you." Sitting back, Tezuka closes his eyes. "I need to think about what I should do. Can I call you back in half an hour?"

When the phone cuts off, Tezuka opens all the emails he has got from Fuji, re-reading every one of them. Fuji wrote about many things, including the stray cat he saw the other day whose eyes, somehow, reminded him of Tezuka. He said he thinks of Yuuta everyday and burns incense for him, but he is moving on. He said he is recovering well, and he is looking forward to going to London. Would it be okay for him to come over during the Christmas holiday? He wants to see what a real Christmas is like, in a western country.

Tezuka calls Yumiko back.

* * *

Fuji taps his keyboard absently, his email to Tezuka half written.

He tries to motivate himself to do something, but his mind is blank.

He hears the front door opening. His sister is home, it is time to cook dinner. He leaves his room and pads down the stairs.

At the bottom of the stairs stands Tezuka.

And he says to him, "You're coming with me to London."

[to part two]


	2. Part 2

As before: feedback much appreciated!

=YS=

**[Happiness]**

Part Two

_He wrote to Ooishi in one of his email replies, "I know about Fuji."_

Ooishi's response arrived within a few hours. He said they didn't want to tell him because they didn't want him to worry. He's so far away and can't do anything to help, and they knew this would frustrate him.

He didn't write to Ooishi to accuse or complain. He understands their motives, and it is true that he can't do much when he's so far away. That is why Fuji is here with him now, in London. He doesn't tell Ooishi about it; he is sure his friends will find out sooner or later, from Yumiko.

He doesn't know exactly what he can do, but he is going to do something to help Fuji. A change of environment, without seeing his shattered parents or needing to take care of anyone except himself, should do Fuji some good.

Gradually Fuji begins to rebuild himself.

And Tezuka begins his own destruction.

* * *

Fuji sits on his bed and watches his sister and Tezuka pack his suitcase. Yumiko explains, although Fuji hasn't asked, that she has told their parents, sorted out his plane tickets and dealt with his university. He will be taking time off. She says he doesn't need to worry about home, she'll be able to manage it on her own. It's even better, she says with a laugh, if he isn't around to cause trouble.

Tezuka thinks he sees tears in Yumiko's eyes when Fuji smiles at her.

Tezuka stays in Fuji's room for the night. They will fly morning the next day.

Fuji keeps himself busy, finding something for Tezuka to sleep in since he came without even a travel bag, then makes him tea and brings it to the room. He sets out extra bedding on the floor and lays down before Tezuka says anything, so Tezuka has no choice but to use the bed.

In the past, before Yuuta's tragedy, Fuji would have made some suggestive remarks, then give Tezuka a closed-eye smile as if he hasn't just said anything at all. And even further in the past, Fuji would have knelt beside the bed and played with Tezuka's fingers, saying how long and beautiful they are, as he had that time Tezuka fell ill during his first year in high school and Fuji, still a boy then, went to his home to visit him.

Things have changed now.

Fuji's playful and half-hearted advances have been... he wouldn't say embarrassing or difficult to handle, only they sadden him, reminding him of the way things once were. But even now, if Tezuka can choose again, he would still do what he had done back then.

_"I understand. Thank you for the last two years, Tezuka."_

Fuji said that with a smile, and simply walked away with his head held high, the way Tezuka knew he would. He isn't proud, but he is strong and would never let himself become a victim. Because of exactly that, whenever Tezuka looks back to that time in his life, he thinks he has exploited on Fuji's kindness, understanding and strength. If Fuji wasn't like this, if he said he didn't want things to end, maybe Tezuka would have relented. But Fuji was too strong, too considerate, and he made things easy for Tezuka.

But Tezuka doesn't regret his decision. Although it had hurt deeply, it was the right thing to do.

But had he done it too late or not, Tezuka would never know. He called an end to their relationship as soon as he realised it had to be done, but was it too late? Had things already gone too deep between them? People say that relationships from the teenage would never last and are quickly forgotten. One doesn't even know how to love, when one is so young. The best has yet to come, they say. Tezuka doesn't know if any of it is true. All he knows is that since then, he hasn't yet found another person he wants to be as close and intimate with as he had with Fuji. There is a very fine young lady, a daughter of his mother's friend, whom he sees every fortnight or so, and Tezuka does like her, but...

He frowns and turns his thoughts elsewhere. He doesn't want to think about that complication right now.

None of Fuji's relationships have lasted more than two months. Tezuka hears about them from Kikumaru, who assumes Tezuka and himself are Fuji's closest friends and so he can discuss these things with him. Fuji doesn't talk about these things; when Kikumaru asks him, he always says "she isn't right for me", and leaves it at that. Kikumaru once told Tezuka that he is worried about Fuji. Fuji is not a playboy - he is faithful and treats every one of his girlfriends very well - but it is as if he can never go from "liking" someone to "loving" someone. But this isn't healthy, Kikumaru said, and why is Fuji bothering in the first place when it's almost for sure it won't last?

Tezuka remembers giving a blank look to Kikumaru then, who laughed and said "Oh yeah, Captain doesn't even do relationships, I shouldn't be asking you nyan!"

Kikumaru doesn't know about what Tezuka and Fuji had. No one knows except Echizen, who found out by chance and Saeki, their childhood friend. Both have kept it quiet and even now, when they talk about Fuji's pretty girlfriend during their monthly gatherings, Echizen doesn't even look Tezuka's way, pretending not to know anything at all.

Tezuka thinks Echizen would probably snicker his way to death when he finds out he has flown back to take Fuji to London with him. Indeed what he is doing isn't the most logical solution, but if this had been Ooishi, Inui, or even Echizen, Tezuka would have done the same thing. He doesn't believe in hurting people, or standing there watching people being hurt. It is something drilled into him by his mother, who asks for very little from her son beside to be a good person, someone who cares and tries to make a difference.

This was why, when he was hit by his senpai in Seigaku Jr. High, he almost quitted the tennis club; he didn't want to be in the same place as someone who hurts other like that. He knows certain sacrifices have to be made to help his friends - gambling his arm to help Echizen break through, to teach his team what it means to strive for a goal and how to win - but if there is something he can do, he is willing to pay the price. If coming back to Japan to take Fuji away is going to help him, then that is what Tezuka will do. What it costs is a very small price to pay for a very important friend.

Yes, they were each other's most important friend and they will always be, no matter what has happened between them. Tezuka knows this is one of those undeniable facts of his life.

There is one other fact of his life that involves Fuji. It exists deep inside Tezuka in the form of a wound. Sometimes he think it is like rheumatism - it doesn't bother him most of the time, but occasionally it hurts, the pain so deep it paralyses him, and all he can do is curl up and endure it, until the burning sensation subsides. Then he would stand up, straighten himself and go on as if nothing happened, until the next round of assault cripples him again.

Over the years, Tezuka has learned there is nothing he can do but to endure it all.

* * *

Half an hour after the lights were switched off, Tezuka lays still on the bed, willing himself to sleep. His body is tired but his mind is working on overdrive, and if this keeps up, he will not get any rest before tomorrow's flight.

Then he hears clothes and sheets rustling, and Fuji getting up as noiselessly as he can, opening the door only enough to slip out. Tezuka waits. Five. Ten. Fifteen minutes. Finally he gets up to check. Fuji is not in the bathroom, so there is only one other place he may be in.

Fuji is sitting on the Yuuta bed, leaning against the wall. He doesn't acknowledge Tezuka's presence as he knocks and enters the room.

"Fuji, we have a flight to catch early tomorrow. Go to sleep."

Fuji turns to Tezuka and smiles at him. Perhaps it is the atmosphere, perhaps it is the smile, Tezuka finds himself curling his fingers, then squeezing his hands into tight fists to resist the urge to slap Fuji across the face. But he keeps his composure. That may be the most direct method to wake Fuji up, but it may not be the most effective in the long run. And he doesn't really want to hit anyone, not really. There is a difference between a sudden urge and a genuine desire.

Instead, he tells Fuji he doesn't have to smile if he doesn't want to.

And then Fuji just stares at him, his face for a moment completely blank, the smile dropped from his lips. The corners of his mouth twitch, but no smile, not even any expression, comes to his face.

Like a key brick has been pulled out, his wall begins to crumble. Fuji brings his knees toward his chest, curling up. He buries his face in his knees, and a sound of laughter breaks out of him. He laughs hard until he feels the tears start to come, then he cries. He laughs and he cries and he doesn't know which one he wants to do so he does both. At least finally he can cry; he hasn't been able to for the last six week and he couldn't find a way to release what has built up inside.

He sneaks a look at Tezuka, as if wanting to say something but cannot find his voice. He cannot find ways to express himself now.

Tezuka thinks he hears Fuji whisper his brother's name, just once, between gasped breaths. He cries so hard he cannot breathe, just the way he did inside the tunnel on the night Yuuta died. Personally Tezuka can't remember when it was the last time he cried himself, it must have been before he reached teenage. He can't remember what it feels like. He doesn't know if this is a good thing for Fuji right now, but people say tears are needed for one to deal with his grief, so he stays quiet, but he takes a step closer to the bed to make sure Fuji knows he is still there.

When the crying subsides, Tezuka tells Fuji to get up. Fuji doesn't react, taking deep breaths, his body shaking, his face twisting as if he is in a different world where everything hurts and he can't snap out of it. He curls up tighter. In the dark he seems to be shrinking, fading away. He opens his eyes, gaping at Tezuka, and he opens his lips. His mouth moves but no sound comes out.

"Get up."

Tezuka goes forward and grabs Fuji by his wrist, and he yanks hard, forcing Fuji to leave the bed. Fuji cries out in shock, as if something burns him, but he lets himself be led into the bathroom, where Tezuka makes him wash his face.

Exhaustion from a mad rush of hormones takes over Fuji. His knees buckle, so he holds onto the sink for support. Whimpering, he closes his eyes as if the world is spinning around him and it hurts to look. He tries to stand up straight but something is pushing him down, like a heavy weight on his shoulders, telling him it is okay to rest on the bathroom floor just for tonight. He tries again, but his limbs won't work and he can barely hold himself up.

Finally, Fuji opens his eyes to look to Tezuka for help. The moment light floods into his eyes, the spinning starts again, and he falls.

Strong hands catch Fuji before he lands like a boneless mass.

The next time he opens his eyes, he is in his own bed and Tezuka is waking him up. It is a bright, chilly morning, and they are going to London.

* * *

As far as Tezuka can tell, Fuji is trying. He thinks he has been trying all along, but he couldn't do it at home. He couldn't help his family and help himself at the same time, so he made a choice between the two, doing his best to keep everything running and keeping a happy front for his parents, even if it is a facade that couldn't hold in front of his sister. It was at night, when his parents were asleep and all was quiet, that grief weighed down on him and Yumiko knew this. She asked Tezuka not to leave her brother alone at night time.

Tezuka doesn't know what Fuji does during the day. Fuji has a set of keys, a streetmap, an Underground map, a London guidebook and a mobile phone. He leaves the house after Tezuka every morning, but he comes back before dinner time, keeping to the curfew that Tezuka has set him.

Sometimes looking at Fuji planning his next day on the maps, and the folded corners of his guidebook, Tezuka can tell where his friend has gone to, and it is obvious Fuji is avoiding nightspots, or places better seen at nighttime.

Three days after taking Fuji to London, Tezuka receives emails from his friends. Kikumaru wrote "CAPTAIN YOU ROCK! Now take care of Fujiko or I'll BEAM you!!" and from Ooishi, "Obviously you're the Mother of Seigaku, not me".

Tezuka writes back, telling them to run laps. He is capable of humour every now and then, especially when it saves him from having to make any explanations or justifications.

Other Seigaku friends also know that Fuji has gone to London, and although it isn't normal for him to go on a holiday at this time of year, no one has asked anything. Not that Tezuka would feel obliged to explain for Fuji, but he is glad they're keeping quiet and respecting Fuji's privacy, something Tezuka is also trying to do, for grief is a very personal thing.

At night, when he lays in the sofa-bed in the living room and hear Fuji move around in the small flat, obviously restless, Tezuka wonders if he should go and check. Is that going to help, or would it look like he's invading Fuji's personal space? He doesn't know if he is offering just a place for Fuji to learn to deal with his grief, or if he should be offering a bit more support. And even if he should, what can Tezuka offer? He is a best friend who once was more than that. There is a line Tezuka should stop at but he doesn't know where the line is.

Tezuka isn't sleeping as well as he did before, even with extensive physical exertion during the day. But that is fine for him, it isn't something important compared with everything else right now.

Little by little, Fuji is getting onto his feet with his own strength. Half a month after coming to London, he is beginning to send postcards home, and toothpastes to Kikumaru. Kikumaru and Yumiko write emails to Tezuka, thanking him over and over for helping Fuji.

But there are still no conversations between them, and Fuji is still tense, restless and unstable at night. He agreed to use Tezuka's bedroom because he needed his own space and privacy, but the thin walls in the small flat can hardly mask any sounds at all.

It doesn't happen every night, but Tezuka does hear Fuji cry. It's more a controlled sobbing, nothing like what he did the night before he came to London, but it is still the sound of a broken heart, a bleeding wound.

And slowly, gradually, Tezuka can feel his own wound resurfacing, and there seems to be no way of stopping it. Silently he bears it, until Fuji comes over one night, when Tezuka is thoroughly exhausted but cannot sleep, and carelessly, unknowingly rips it open.

* * *

Tezuka has woken to the unmistakable sound of tears. Checking the time, it is only four hours before morning. He hears a door opening, followed by soft footsteps. Fuji is going to wash his face.

But after the click that indicates the bathroom light has been flicked off, Tezuka doesn't hear Fuji going back to the bedroom. Instead, after a lengthy pause, Fuji goes to the living room.

The small creaking sound and slight tilt of the mattress tells Tezuka Fuji has sat down on his bed.

Fingers touch his shoulder tentatively. Tezuka debates with himself if Fuji is trying to wake him up, and decides to wait for a clearer sign.

And then Fuji slips into the bed and curls up behind him, resting his forehead on the back of Tezuka's shoulder.

Perhaps it would be better to stay quiet; perhaps it is just tonight Fuji feels a need to be with someone; perhaps Fuji still...

Tezuka reminds himself of the line he had drawn between himself and Fuji. That needs to stay there. Biting his lip, he shifts a little, and whispers, "Fuji - "

A tremor runs through the body behind Tezuka. Fuji is shaking his head, his hands grasping and twisting the bed covers.

"Please... just for tonight."

Tezuka has never thought the first words he hears from Fuji after such a long time would be such a desperate request.

And then, suddenly, Tezuka understands. "Did you have a bad dream?"

Fuji nods once, slowly, his body still shaking from the reminiscence of whatever he saw in his dream.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry Tezuka. Please let me stay here. I'm sorry."

Fuji's badly shaken voice pleads with Tezuka. He is truly frightened. This isn't the Fuji Tezuka normally sees or knows. Hardly anything at all can ever scare Fuji, much less to such a state.

Finally, Tezuka makes a small sound of agreement. He can handle his own issues and own pain, but Fuji can't right now, so if it helps him feel better, Tezuka can give up certain things, including the rest of his sleep, which he knows he isn't going to get.

Fuji whispers a grateful "thank you", but after several minutes, he is still stiff and his breath trembles.

Tezuka can't stand it anymore.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asks, his back still to his friend. He isn't going to turn back to look at Fuji's face now; seeing Fuji's vulnerable state will break his line of defense.

After a few moments, Fuji finds his voice.

For seven years, his parents blamed him for Yuuta choosing to live in a boarding school instead of home. His father used to complain to the rest of the family, in front of Syusuke, that the family was hardly ever together, that his youngest son never called home, hinting that he'd rather see more of Yuuta than Syusuke. Yuuta was such a lovely boy, he would say, whereas Syusuke looked like a girl, his skin so pale, his voice so soft. Syusuke was so strange and secretive, hiding in his room half the time, even though Syusuke tried very hard to please him and tucked himself away only because he knew his father didn't want to see him. His mother was not open about it, but she never corrected her husband.

It wasn't just his parents who loved Yuuta. Syusuke too, and he always tried to get Yuuta to come home. But even after he started accepting his elder brother again, Yuuta preferred spending more time at St. Rudolph. He liked the boarding life. After St. Rudolph, Yuuta begged with his parents to let him go to a boarding high school and in the end they let him because it made him happy, but they couldn't accept the concept that Yuuta was an outward-going child who wanted to spend time with friends more than with his own family.

"They said it's because of me Yuuta still didn't want to come home, that I pulled the family apart." Fuji takes a deep breath, his voice barely a whisper. "I saw it in their eyes. It's my fault that Yuuta's dead. He was with me. I took him out to dinner. Why didn't I help him? Why am I the one still alive? They'd much rather Yuuta lived and I died. I'd much rather be the one to die too, at least they'd think of me as the son who'd done something right in the end."

Tezuka doesn't deny what Fuji says about his parents. He did suspect something was wrong. When the funeral was being organised, Tezuka was shocked to find out that they didn't plan to take Fuji there even though he could already travel around in a wheelchair, nor did they consider leaving someone to stay with their son during such a traumatic time, especially when it was so obvious that Syusuke loved his brother very much. It felt as if Yuuta's death is more important to them than the fact that Syusuke is still alive. Tezuka's mind had screamed then. That wasn't right.Yuuta's death was tragic, but it should always be the living who are more important.

But the parents had left their remaining son out of the loop completely.

At that time he thought it was only because of emotional trauma that Fuji's parents acted that way, but he now sees why Yumiko so quickly and easily agreed to send her brother away. It was Syusuke, not Yuuta, whom her parents pretended never existed. There was simply no way Syusuke could get better in such an environment, suffering from grief, survivor's guilt as well as years and years of unhappiness and accusations.

Tezuka knew sometimes Fuji's smile means nothing except politeness, and he has his own share of misery, but who would have thought it goes so far back, originating from a brother whom he loved so much? Yuuta couldn't have known any of this; his brother loved him too much to let him know the burden and damage his extroverted spirit has caused.

"Yuuta was very lucky to have you as a brother."

Tezuka can offer no words of comfort. He never could, it's not in his nature to say things that are meant to comfort - he's too realistic and direct. But he can say this, because it is the truth.

"I..." Fuji's voice fades away for a moment, then it comes back again, slightly stronger and steadier than it was before. "Thank you. And I'm sorry."

Tezuka closes his eyes. "Don't think about anyone but yourself now. You're here so that you can be on your own."

"On my own?" For the first time, Fuji sounds faintly amused. "But you're here too. The two of us."

Tezuka says his friend's name with a slight warning in his voice. But he is glad and relieved. This sounds more like the Fuji he knows, although the words were forced and the body behind him still shakes.

"I was just teasing. I... just for tonight, Tezuka. I'm sorry."

Tezuka does not say anything.

"I'll go before morning. Just... until I don't see my family..." Fuji says, his voice dying down once again, barely audible. "or Yuuta's blood... and brain exposed his crushed skull... when I close my eyes."

Tezuka suppresses a shudder he gets from the mental picture.

"Fuji... give me your hand."

Fuji hesitates, wondering what Tezuka means, and he holds his hand out, just above his friend's body. Without looking back, Tezuka takes the hand into his own and winds the arm around his waist, pulling Fuji close to himself.

"Just for tonight." He tells Fuji.

Behind him, Fuji nods.

With the nod, the old wound inside Tezuka begins to bleed.

[to part three]


	3. Part 3

**Happiness**

Part Three

_"I don't need your sympathy."_

Fuji jerks his arm away. Cold eyes partially hidden under long bangs turn to him, freezing him on the spot.

"Don't be so nice to me. I don't want from you something that you can't give."

* * *

It started with his mother's seemingly off-handed comment during breakfast one morning.

"Kunimitsu, you look happy lately." She said, smiling at her son, "You've been smiling a lot."

Tezuka knew that was a warning shot, so when his mother knocked on his door after he returned home from school that evening, he wasn't surprised.

"So who's making my son so happy?" She asked, smiling a smile that looked rather like Fuji's and pulling a chair for herself.

Tezuka did not look up from his desk. "I've got homework to do, mother."

"You've started to hide in your room to talk on your phone." His mother mused. "I remember when I fell in love for the first time, I was around your age. I didn't have the privilege of having my own phone line..."

Then Tezuka knew there was no avoiding the issue. He put his homework away, and turned his seat to face his mother. It was better to get it over and done with.

"It's not that big a deal, mother."

"I was worried about you, Kunimitsu. You take after your father so much... you push yourself so hard and never seem to relax for one moment. So I'm just really, really glad... you seem so much happier, so much more alive now." She chuckled. "You look a bit more like your age."

Tezuka frowned, just a little. "I don't feel I look any different."

"You can fool everyone else, but not your own mother." She laughed, keeping her voice low so that no one outside the room can hear her. "So, does she have a name, or will I need to refer to her as 'your secret girlfriend'?"

He had hoped that question wouldn't come.

"Fuji." Tezuka told her. He could never lie to his mother, but Fuji was just a surname, so she shouldn't suspect anything...

But her mother fell silent, and Tezuka knew he had underestimated her.

"Fuji as in... the one who was with you everyday during Seigaku Elementary, the one in your tennis club?"

Her son did not answer right away, but she could tell by the look on his face that she was right.

"Kunimitsu... have you thought about what you're doing?" She asked, her voice going even quieter, almost a whisper now. Suddenly she sighed, and smiled a little. "What a stupid question. You always know what you're doing."

Tezuka didn't say a word. He knew the consequences. Being expelled from Seigaku was the least that could happen. If his father or grandfather found out, they would probably get heart attacks. But he knew his mother wouldn't tell them, even if she didn't approve. She was going to solve this as something private between mother and son, like she always did.

They sat quietly, just looking at each other. Then Tezuka pulled off his glasses to wipe them with his shirt. He waited to see what his mother was going to say.

Then his mother smiled again. "I see." She said, standing up.

I see?

"Mother... is that all you have to say?"

"I'm sure you've thought about it carefully already." She said, walking to him. "I believe in karma. You and Fuji-kun had been like soulmates ever since you were little, so..." She bent down and kissed her son on the forehead. "If he is the one who can make you happy, then I'm sure this is right."

Tezuka flinched away from his mother, shocked by this unusual gesture. His family had always been so traditional even his parents didn't kiss in front of anyone and as far as Tezuka could remember, his mother never kissed him.

But that aside, his mother had given him the approval. She didn't say this was "all right", she went further and said this was "right".

At that time, Tezuka believed in her, believed in Fuji, believed in himself. He believed it was right.

* * *

Tezuka has started from the basics again. After spending weeks on trying different grips and working on his swings, this week his British coach is making him hit every ball coming to him with only his backhand. The end result was him almost tripping and falling flat on his face several times.

At the end of the session, the coach gave him a video tape and told him to watch it at home and study his own footwork. It turned out that Tezuka has played an entire session without knowing he was being filmed.

The video is bringing endless entertainment to Fuji, who is nice enough to share the snacks he bought with Tezuka whilst they watch it together, as if he is enjoying a film. Whereas Tezuka is more concerned with seeing _why_ he tripped over reaching a particular ball, Fuji is more interested in _when_ his friend is going to trip again.

Fuji doesn't say much as he laughs at his former captain's ungraceful falls on the video. Since leaving Tezuka's bed that day after he had the nightmare, his words are few and far between, saying only what he thinks is important. His silence is by choice rather than trauma. Tezuka respects Fuji's choice; he isn't much of a talkative person himself anyway.

"Terrible." Fuji pauses the video and shakes his head.

Tezuka frowns. He knew that. Even he winced watching how he had performed himself, but apparently it was bad enough that Fuji has to laugh and actually speak up about it.

"He was directing the ball just to the left of your reach. You could've returned it easily with a forehand, but using backhand you have to step further to your left. The ball's too fast, it lands just as your foot does, so you had to hit it as it was rising, ending up tripping and giving him a chance ball. You were even missing the sweet spot because the ball's too close to your body and you don't have time to adjust."

Tezuka nods.

"And if you move backwards to avoid that," Fuji plays the video again, "You end up getting pushed to the baseline and you'll be stuck there."

Which is exactly what the video shows in the next moment.

Then Fuji stands up to show Tezuka what may work. A higher grip, split step, and hitting before his foot lands. Tezuka refuses to try it on the spot, in case he falls over in front of his friend and gives him something to laugh at for the next twenty years. There is a reason Fuji is called the tennis genius and Tezuka is not.

"It's not exactly acrobatics." Fuji tells him. "Like Inui always said, you aren't flexible enough. And you have to be faster."

Tezuka watches Fuji bouncing on his feet, swinging his arm wiith a remote control in his hand, and a thought comes to him: Fuji is itching to play tennis again.

"Is your leg okay now?"

Fuji gives Tezuka a closed-eyes smile and nods.

"I can ask my coach if you can come and play a bit, or at least if he knows if there are any public courts around."

"That..." Fuji stops moving around, fixing Tezuka's eyes with his own. He lets a moment of silence fall between them before continuing, "would be great, Tezuka."

The way Fuji says his name, like a gentle caress to his mind, makes Tezuka shiver. He looks away. "No problem."

The telephone rings at that moment. Tezuka reaches for it like a drowning man reaching for a float.

"Hello? Ah, Hinako. I'm okay, how about you? No I'm not busy..."

Fuji, after standing as if stunned for a moment, gives a smile that looks almost like a self-depreciating smirk to Tezuka, and disappears into the kitchen and starts to cook dinner, the first time since coming to London. Fuji cooks very well, having spent a lot of time cooking with his sister when he was younger and his parents had to work late. Tezuka remembers the occasional lunchboxes and post-practice sandwiches Fuji used to make for him in secret, and those were the best food Tezuka had ever tasted.

Of course every now and then there would be a sandwich or a dumpling filled with nothing but mustard and wasabi, but Fuji always had water ready to give to Tezuka after having had his share of fun.

And now, of all times, Fuji is cooking dinner for the two of them. If Tezuka has less emotional control, he might have returned Fuji's bitter smile.

When Tezuka puts the phone down ten minutes later, Fuji peers out of the kitchen, a ladle in hand. "Girlfriend?"

"Just a friend." Tezuka doesn't know why he is clarifying that point. What is he trying to do? "My mother's friend's daughter."

"Not a girlfriend, but still on a first-name basis?"

Tezuka finds no words to say. He should never even have hoped Fuji would miss these details. But he honestly doesn't know, so he shrugs.

"How can you not know?" Fuji chuckles, as if amused by his friend's ignorance. "Well, do you sleep with her?"

Reading the look on his friend's face, Fuji grins wide. "A girlfriend then. Ah, I'm so jealous." He says with an exaggerated voice. With that, he leaves the doorway to get back to his cooking. "Well, at least it's my cooking that you'll be eating for now."

Tezuka stares at the empty doorway. Fuji has said more words than he did in the last week combined, but he was no longer teasing him or making advances.

He is thickening the line Tezuka has already drawn between them, marking it over and over again so that it is absolutely clear.

A loud clatter brings Tezuka's attention back. Going to the kitchen to check, he finds that Fuji has just dropped the kettle and burnt himself. Fuji is standing still, staring at his own arm, part of it an angry red, dripping wet and steaming.

"No, no it's okay Yuuta, it doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt. Don't cry. I'm okay." He whispers. "It's me, I was being careless. It's not your fault. Yuuta don't cry..."

Tezuka pushes him towards the sink and forces the arm under the tap. He knows Yuuta had once poured hot oil onto his brother, and Fuji had been hospitalised, needing skin craft for the injury. But that doesn't mean he could just stare at his arm and doing nothing about it.

The moment ice-cold water touches him, Fuji jerks his arm away from Tezuka as if waking from a trance. Cold eyes partially hidden under long bangs turn to him, freezing Tezuka on the spot.

"I don't need your sympathy."

As if plunged into something even colder than the ice-cold winter water coming out of the tap, Tezuka doesn't move.

Sympathy?

Sympathy. Is that it, all these weeks Fuji thinks he is just pitying him? Fuji can't mean what he has just said. He has to know how important he is to him, that he is doing all this because he cares. It's not charity. Tezuka wouldn't do all this just for charity.

Fuji's eyes soften. He turns away, putting his arm under the running water again.

"I'm sorry." He says quietly, "Dinner will be ready soon. Could you lay out the table?"

Slowly Tezuka takes a step back, then he turns, taking bowls and chopsticks from the cupboard to lay them out on the small table in the kitchen. At the sink, Fuji stays still.

"I'm just afraid... despite all the laps you made me run back in school, all the shouting, sometimes the silences, the cold looks... despite everything, you're still the gentlest person I've ever known. You'd do anything to help a friend, at your own cost." He closes his eyes. "Don't be so nice to me. I don't want you to do that for me. I don't want from you something that you can't give."

Chopsticks slip from Tezuka's suddenly slacked fingers, landing on the tilted floor. He picks them up to rinse them.

"Fuji, how much longer until dinner?"

"... Around fifteen minutes."

"I... I'm going out for a bit. I'll be back by then."

Fuji looks to Tezuka. "You're angry with me."

"No," Tezuka doesn't meet Fuji's eyes. "Just going to buy some drinks. You want anything?"

Fuji gives Tezuka a look that says he doesn't believe him, but he also gives the offer a little thought. "Beer."

"Beer?"

"Or anything alcoholic. Makes me sleep better."

Tezuka nods. He makes his way out the kitchen.

"Tezuka."

He pauses at the door.

"I said it because I'm scared of what you might do, and what I might do... you're too gentle for your own good. Please don't be mad at me."

"... There's no reason to. I just want to take a walk."

Tezuka leaves the flat. He leans heavily against the front door, and closes his eyes.

The decision had already been made long ago. But who said time could heal all wounds?

Three years.

How much longer can he do this?

* * *

It was towards the end of his first year in high school when Tezuka caught a virus and fell ill with a fever. He stayed in bed and missed a week of school.

Fuji visited everyday, bringing notes from school and staying longer than he should, teaching Tezuka what he had missed. Or at least that was what he told Tezuka's mother, who knew better. Tezuka never brought it up with Fuji that his mother knew about them, nor did he ever see the need to.

Once, bringing tea to the room, his mother smiled graciously at Fuji. "You've very kind to my son. Thank you."

"He's been my most important friend ever since I was little, Tezuka-san." Fuji returned the smile. "I just hope I don't give you too much trouble, coming everyday."

"Not at all. In fact, thank you for doing all this for him." She bowed at Fuji, who bowed back deeper, and left the teenagers alone.

Later, she complimented Fuji in front of her son. She understood since the beginning his son was serious about the relationship - anything he involved himself in was serious. And now she understood as well Fuji was just as committed, otherwise such a relationship, strained as it was because of the need of secrecy, could not have lasted for over two years. This was no ordinary teenage dating. She said, more to herself than to Tezuka, that this really was karma. Some things were just meant to be.

"Mother... why are you saying all this?" Tezuka asked, watching her pick up empty tea cups.

His mother shrugged a little. "To encourage you, I guess. It's something to be treasured."

The same evening, during dinner, his father casually asked his son if he was seeing anybody. It was about time to get a girlfriend, he said, his son should pay attention to things outside of tennis as well.

Tezuka was stunned to speechlessness. His mother would be the one to talk about softer things, things like relationships and love. His father never cared or talked about these things before.

That night, standing outside his parents' bedroom, he overheard what he shouldn't hear, and he understood the reason for his parent's strangeness.

"I can't believe you said that to Kunimitsu." His mother's voice was exasperated.

"It's only a suggestion." His father replied, sounding somewhat strained.

"We've talked about this over and over again, Kuniharu. You can't just... he's too young, and you need to let things come naturally."

"That's why I only suggested. I'm not forcing him to do anything!"

"But I know you will!" His mother raised her voice without knowing, "You've said it before... but you can't just make him marry someone and have children to satisfy you! It's my fault I can't give you more children, you can't force it on our son!"

There were times Tezuka wondered why he didn't have any brothers or sisters, although he never asked. It seemed too sensitive a subject. But now he knew it was not his parents didn't want more children, it was that they couldn't. As he listened, he realised both of them had been desperate for more children ever since he was born. They wanted a big family, and his grandfather wanted that too, for themselves and for Tezuka. Maybe if he had a younger brother or sister to care for, to play with, he would be happier. He wouldn't always be pushing himself so hard just to make them proud. He would have the innocence of a youngster that he seemed to lack.

"Ayana, he's our only son. One day he has to get married and carry on our bloodline. I just want him to do it sooner. What's the problem with marriage at 18 or 20? He's a very grown up kid anyway, and Dad would be really happy to have a great-grandson."

Tezuka bit his lip, staying silent outside the door. He was the only son. It had been an issue that had loomed over him for the last two years, but he never thought it was so pressing. Getting married in two to three years? Starting his own family?

"Kuniharu, he won't be happy."

His father said he wanted this for his son's good too. Tezuka would be happy. He could see his son as a loving father, someone devoted to his wife and children. Perhaps that was what was lacking in Tezuka's life, something his parents couldn't give him. This was what was missing whenever they looked at their son and see nothing but hollow determination in his eyes.

"I'm not forcing him to marry just anyone. He will find a wife he loves and he will marry her. What's wrong with this? Why won't he be happy?"

His mother didn't reply. She couldn't say.

Fuji's smiling face flashed across Tezuka's mind.

"It's not his responsibility... I'm sorry we can't have more children..."

Tezuka quietly made his way back to his room just as his grandfather went to his parents' room to tell them to be quiet, that his grandson was sick, needing rest, and didn't need to hear any of that.

Over the next few days, he listened to the same conversation being repeated again and again. It was a discussion that would never have a solution.

A week later, he broke up with Fuji.

* * *

Sometimes Tezuka wonders why he does this. Why he thinks about some things, knowing there is no solution, knowing thinking about it brings nothing but pain. Choices have been made and he won't go back.

He can't make his father understand what makes him truly happy, but he can at least do what makes his father happy and what he thinks is good for him.

His mother doesn't believe him when he tells her he is happy. But at least he is doing the right thing, seeing the right people. Tezuka is almost twenty-one. He doesn't want his mother to still feel guilty and regretful about her infertility twenty-one years after her first and only child was born.

She once asked why her son is no longer smiling, why he has let go of something that is right for him.

He wanted to say him and Fuji broke up after an argument, but he couldn't lie to his mother. He never could. So he told her it wasn't "right", and her face suddenly looked tormented then, tears welling up in her eyes. She asked him what he had heard, and he told her that wasn't it, that there are things he must do as the son of the family, that's all.

Standing taller than his mother, Tezuka had bent down and kissed her forehead then, telling her what he did was his own choice, out of his own free will, and she didn't need to worry about anything.

Tezuka understands sometimes sacrifices need to be made.

"Is it okay if I drink it in the bed?"

Tezuka looks up from the book he hasn't really been reading, and sees Fuji holding cans of beer in his hands. He nods.

"You don't need to ask me. Don't worry about small things like that."

The phone rings. Tezuka answers the call.

"Tezuka! Having fun in London?"

"Hi, Saeki."

"Cold as usual... is Fuji here? Can you pass him the phone?"

Tezuka does as he was asked. Fuji takes it into the room to talk.

Quiet, muffled words filter through the walls. Tezuka cannot tell what the conversation is about, but a few minutes later, he can clearly hear Fuji sobbing as he speaks. Fuji is much better than he was when he first came, but he is still emotional and unstable, particularly at night.

At least he has someone to talk to, even if he can't talk to Tezuka.

Tezuka can't talk to anyone.

[to part four]


	4. Part 4

**Happiness**

Part Four

_He feels something inside him falls apart as he listens to the words from Fuji's lips, slurred but still sure. His mind screams in pain, but his body cannot move, every word Fuji speaks pinning him down, every self-depreciating remark and every bitter smile stabbing at him like sharp blades, small yet deadly._

And just when he thinks he cannot take it anymore, Fuji's last few words push those blades all the way in.

"I won't ask for anything more, except your happiness."

* * *

"Captain." Fuji speaks softly, stopping at the door, a mug of hot tea in his hands and a small smile on his lips.

Like a child caught doing something he shouldn't, Tezuka almost jumps. Fuji hasn't called him by that nickname since coming to London.

"Sorry. I'm done." He says, looking up from the screen. Except for using his computer and getting his clothes, Tezuka doesn't enter the bedroom anymore. He has let Fuji take over it entirely.

"It's okay, I'm not going to sleep yet. You looked a bit... mortified, staring at the screen, so..." Fuji strolls in noiselessly. "Am I causing you trouble?"

Tezuka takes his glasses off to wipe them. "Why do you say that?"

"Just a guess." Fuji chuckles warmly. "You have a habit of doing that with your glasses when people hit a touchy subject, did you know?"

Tezuka's hands freeze mid-action, then with a sigh, he puts the glasses back on and hastily closes his email programme as Fuji walks close to put down the mug of tea for him.

"Just - "

"Don't worry about anyone except myself?" Fuji's chuckle bubbles over into gentle laughter. "So I am the cause of the problem then."

Sometimes Tezuka wishes his friend was a little less smart. He shakes his head, refusing the bait.

"Let me guess." Fuji puts his hand behind his back, smiling ruefully. "Your girlfriend wants to come over?"

Dark, blue eyes meet hazel brown ones. Tezuka looks away first.

"Logical deduction, Captain." Fuji offers before Tezuka asks. "If I'm causing you trouble... it has to be your girlfriend. Christmas holiday has started. She wants to come over and spend it with you."

Why is it that Fuji can be so perceptive?

"I'll go home."

Tezuka stares, his lips parting, but he has no words.

"I don't want to give you problems." His friend smiles brightly, blue eyes squeezing shut. "And aren't we best friends? You could just tell me, Tezuka. I won't get annoyed or anything."

Fuji takes a few steps back, keeping his smiles in place, hiding his eyes under unruly bangs. Tezuka pushes his chair back and stands. He can't let Fuji leave. Fuji can't go back to his family, still with emotional problems and without a plan for his future. Fuji being here is a necessity.

"I'm fine now. You don't need to baby-sit me anymore." Talking as if the decision is made, Fuji heads for the door.

"Fuji!" Tezuka calls behind his friend. He has hardly said a word and that's it? Fuji is leaving?

"Ah, I miss Yumiko-neechan too."

Tezuka takes quick, long strides after Fuji, following him out to the living room, into the kitchen, but just as he reaches out to catch him, Fuji turns around, already flinching back.

"Get your priorities right, Tezuka." Others may miss the slight hitch in the voice, but Tezuka knows the words are forced out. He knows Fuji. "I've said this before. There's a limit to how nice you should be to your friends."

Tezuka's hand stops short of touching his friend, stops short of the line between them.

He lets it drop to his side.

Perhaps... it's better this way.

* * *

For the first time since coming to London, Fuji breaks the curfew, leaving the flat shortly after speaking with Tezuka without an explanation. He comes back half an hour later, cradling a medium-sized paper bag in his arms. He doesn't hide it from Tezuka, who knows there is alcohol inside. But Tezuka isn't worried; Fuji isn't the type to get himself drunk over things. Fuji never gets drunk anyway.

But it means Fuji still isn't sleeping well, two months into his stay here.

When he thinks about it, he knows the only time Fuji truly slept well was when they shared the sofa-bed after Fuji had a nightmare. It was a Saturday, Tezuka didn't have to go to tennis school, so he laid awake, with both of Fuji's arms having found their way around him at some point during the night, until he woke at midday.

Tezuka tells himself that doesn't mean anything. Fuji needs someone to sleep with, but not necessarily him. Fuji needs reassurance and comfort, but that is not up to him to give. There is a limit. He mustn't get too close now.

But two hours later he finds himself knocking on the bedroom door Fuji has closed, his friend's words on leaving London and the sight of the paper bag whispering caution in the back of his mind.

Fuji opens the door a minute later, his face completely flushed, and eyes dark. He loses his balance once, then holds on to the door and stands properly again.

"Captain... I think I overdid it a bit..."

Scanning the room and counting the bottles, Tezuka thinks "a bit" is an underestimation, even for Fuji.

"You should get some proper medication instead." He suppresses a frown before it surfaces, keeping his face neutral. Nobody needs any anger or argument right now. "You're actually drunk?"

"Maybe I am. I feel a little tipsy." Fuji gives a lop-sided smile and walks to the bed, leaving his friend at the door. "I'll just sleep it away."

At least he is admitting he drank too much, so he is not completely out of it yet. Tezuka helps Fuji into the bed, pulling the duvet over him.

"Fuji... you can't go home when you're still like this."

Fuji's words slur slightly as he responds. "The decision... is mine to make. I don't want to be your burden."

Burden. Fuji can't mean that. "I haven't sent her a reply yet. I'm going to tell her to stay in Japan."

Tezuka realises he means his words. Even if Fuji insists on going home, he doesn't want Hinako to come over. He doesn't want to, and can't deal with it right now. He likes Hinako but... like Fuji with his past girlfriends, he doesn't love her. He can't love her no matter how hard he tried.

"That's stupid... turning down a woman who offers to spend Christmas with you. Christmas in a western country. That's such a nice idea." Fuji moves around until he settles into a comfortable position, wrapped in the thick duvet, his back turned to Tezuka.

Fuji has wanted to spend Christmas here with him so much.

"That's not the point. You need to stay here and she doesn't."

Fuji's eyes slide close, and he doesn't reply. Tezuka is just starting to wonder if he has fallen asleep when he speaks again.

"Hm, Tezuka..." Fuji turns to lay on his back.

"What?" Tezuka sits down on the edge of the bed and leans closer to hear the whispered words.

"I want to tell you something."

Fuji dreams of his brother every night. Sometimes it is a good dream. Other times, he wakes up wishing he never fell asleep.

In the good dreams, Yuuta tells him things. He told Fuji he was an idiot to talk to Tezuka like that, that night in the kitchen. He said, "Aniki, you're being rude and ungrateful." He said Fuji was greedy and wanted more of something he couldn't have, that he pretended to be good and civil, pretended to be stepping back whilst hoping in his heart Tezuka would give chase. Yuuta told his brother to stop his cheap tactics before it ruins the lasts of what is between them.

"I told you I'm not angry." Tezuka whispers, but Fuji shakes his head with a smile that says he hasn't finished yet.

"Yuuta's going to be so mad at me. I just tried to do something ridiculous..."

Fuji believes in Tezuka, he trusts everything Tezuka says because that is what Tezuka is. Tezuka doesn't lie, and he doesn't make decisions hastily. He understands when Tezuka told him "it's not working" when they broke up, then it meant it wasn't working, at least not on Tezuka's side.

But sometimes in the back of his mind, questions plague him. Tezuka didn't elaborate on the reason; it was something he honestly didn't want to discuss that caused his decision. Fuji wonders if it was something he did, or something he hadn't done, that led things to their end. Tezuka doesn't hate him. They remain best friends. So was it something Tezuka wanted, but Fuji couldn't give?

"I don't know what I was thinking, but I planned on getting myself drunk."

He remembers that one time during high school, not long before Tezuka fell ill, in his house when his family was away, Tezuka had asked for sex. He had crushed his mouth to Fuji's and slid warm hands under his shirt, letting them roam over the trembling body. Then he trailed wet kisses along Fuji's neck, tugged at his belt and the top of his jeans, and with a coarse voice he simply asked, "Fuji... Can I?"

Fuji had panicked and pushed him away. He didn't know what to do. They had done intimate things; how he had clung onto Tezuka last time and bit on his shoulder to stop himself from crying out as the taller boy slipped a hand down his khakis and stroked him was still vivid in his mind. But real sex? He barely knew enough on how to do it with a girl, he had no idea how he could do it with Tezuka.

And then Tezuka apologised. Fuji just shook his head and said he was sorry, it was his problem, not Tezuka's.

They had been together for over two years. Tezuka had waited all this time and Fuji said no. Perhaps that's why...

In his dreams, Yuuta told him to stop being stupid. Tezuka isn't like that, Fuji knows this. But he can't help thinking, if they did have sex... maybe it would change Tezuka's mind.

"But I just can't do it, knowing your heart is elsewhere and you aren't interested in me anymore. I thought if I'm drunk enough, then I can."

But in the end Fuji couldn't even get himself drunk; he hadn't bought enough drinks. He sat in the bed, staring at the empty bottles, angry and frustrated, but his mind began to work. He realised he couldn't do it. What made him think like that in the first place? If he really does carry it through, Fuji doubts he would ever be able to live with himself in the future. Yuuta would be so upset if his brother ever stooped so low. And Tezuka wouldn't even want him as a friend if he tried anything like that.

"Are you angry with me now? I wanted to make you betray your girlfriend." Fuji's smile is nothing short of brilliant. "That's so low of me."

Something burns in Tezuka's chest, spreading up to his nose, the corners of his eyes. He thinks he's going to cry, for the first time in his memory. But he reigns in his emotions, like he has always done. "No... no. I know I owe you an explanation. It wasn't sex. Don't ever think that. I..."

Is he going to have to tell Fuji the truth? That it isn't going to work because of his family? But Fuji will never move on then, knowing it had been a reluctant decision and Tezuka still loves him. Is he going to have to lie? What excuse can he give that Fuji will believe?

He takes off his glasses and pinches the bridge of his nose, taking his eyes off Fuji's intense staring. He hates seeing people inflicting pain on others but here he is, doing it to Fuji. He had thought Fuji would move on; he had thought both of them would move on in a couple of months. And yet three years later they are still standing here, staring at the line between them and asking themselves why.

"It's fine if you don't want to explain." Fuji says with a meaningless smile. "I've thought about it. As long as you're happy. As long as you've found someone who can bring a smile to your face, then that's enough for me."

After a short pause, he continues, "When we were together, you always had this little smile on your face. But it's not there when you look at me now, so I know I don't make you happy anymore. But I hope she does."

The dull pain that has already numbed Tezuka splinters like a glass globe, into countless pieces, the shards embedding into him. Not like this. It's not like this. He wants to scream, but instead, after taking deep, yet shaky breaths, he manages to speak with a calm voice. "Just think about yourself..."

The body in the bed turns way again, curling up.

"It does affect me though."

"Fuji - "

"Whatever makes you happy is right." Fuji whispers, closing his eyes once again, his soft voice dying away. "I just want you to be happy. That's all. I don't want you to make sacrifices for me. I won't ask for anything more, except your happiness."

* * *

Tezuka goes to the 24-hours store and buys fruit juices. When Fuji wakes up, he will want something sweet to drown the aftertaste in his mouth that no amount of brushing can kill.

And then, after sitting down and thinking for a moment, he goes into the bedroom and takes Fuji's passport away.

He sits down again.

Has he done everything he should do?

No. He glances at the phone beside him, and with dread but not hesitation, he picks it up to make a call to Japan.

He would much prefer to do this face to face, because she deserves as much, but she doesn't deserve to be held back by a man who doesn't love her, and there are still many months before he goes back. Hinako doesn't take it well, but she seems to understand what Tezuka is telling her: it's not working. He has tried and it's not working.

Putting the phone down, the flat returns to silence.

It's not working. No, after three years of hiding, running away, turning his back to himself, it has come down to this: nothing he has done has changed anything. Will he ever be able to marry? Will he even be able to fall in love with someone apart from the one sleeping in his bed right now?

It probably really is fate, karma, whatever his mother called it, that he isn't meant to be with anyone else.

His mother's face comes to mind, tormented and almost grief-stricken, asking Tezuka why he let go of what was right, what made him happy.

_Whatever makes you happy is right._

No, it wasn't right. He can't take what he wants at the cost of his family, no matter what they say.

The sudden ringing of the phone brings Tezuka's mind back. He wonders who would call at this hour, and picks it up.

"Kunimitsu?"

"Mother." Without his glasses to fidget, Tezuka rubs his forehead a few times. "How're you?"

"Hinako-chan's mother called me just now." Hearing this, Tezuka knows what is coming. Hinako's mother and his mother are friends; that's how they knew each other in the first place. "What's going on? Just the other day she asked me if it'd be okay for her to go to London, and nothing seemed wrong then."

Tezuka bit his lip. "I told her not to come. I - I've just broken up with her. Sorry, I've put you into a difficult position. Is she okay?"

For a moment, there is nothing but silence from the other side of the phone. And then he hears a soft sigh. "I don't know. She's locked herself in her room and won't talk to anyone. But Kunimitsu, you're my son - you're more important to me than my friend or her daughter. There's no such thing as a difficult position. Don't worry about that."

"I'm sorry."

If Tezuka has done better, then he would have given his mother a grandchild by now. But he can't be with someone he doesn't love. That would be just too cruel to whoever he marries in the end.

He tries to think of something to say, but the sudden sounds of smashing glass coming from the bedroom make him jump.

What is Fuji doing?

He ignores his mother's worried question about the strange noises and tells her he'll call her back. Running into the room, he sees Fuji sitting up, a hand running through his hair. When he sees Tezuka, he smiles apologetically. He has caught the bottles on the nightstand with his duvet.

Tezuka doesn't roll his eyes or breathe a sigh of relief - he has had enough emotions running through him in one night to feel relieved at anything. He just leaves the room to get something to clean up the broken glass, telling Fuji to stay in the bed in case he steps on a sharp piece with his bare feet. Fuji tries to stay awake as Tezuka sweeps the floor, but soon he loses to the alcohol in his blood.

Tezuka calls his mother back fifteen minutes later.

"Fuji is here." He explains even before his mother asks, because he knows she would. "He just broke something, that's all."

"Kunimitsu..." His mother takes a moment to digest the information he just offered, and comes up with one question. "How long has he been there?"

"A couple of weeks... almost two months. Mother, he's not the reason I broke up with Hinako. Fuji... he's been having problems since his brother died. I'm trying to help him."

"But all the way in London?"

"It's somewhat a family problem, a..." Tezuka cannot help sighing this time, "a family secret, if I can put it that way, that his sister entrusted to me. I've promised her to look after Fuji until he gets better. It's complicated..."

"It's okay. I believe you."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about this."

"If it's something to do with his family's private matters, then you did the right thing." He can hear the smile in his mother's voice. "You're just like your father, a compassionate soul under that indifferent exterior. You're just better looking and smarter."

"Mother..." Tezuka grumbles, something he only ever does with his mother.

This time, his mother laughs. "Even the way you get embarrassed. Just the same."

"... You were the one who always told me to treat people - "

" - the way you'd like yourself be treated. Yes, but Kunimitsu... is my son smiling? Is he treating himself well? Is he happy, or is he just trying to make me happy?"

Tezuka tilts his head back into the sofa, gazing up at the ceiling. He doesn't answer.

"Don't break any more hearts, Kunimitsu. Hinako-chan's the second girl. I don't want to see more casualties. Girls' hearts are very delicate things."

Tezuka holds the phone to his ear with one hand and covers his eyes with the other. Guilt rises within him, knowing what he has done to Hinako. It was a doomed thing to begin with, and he knew it. But he really didn't intend to hurt her.

"You've given it three years. I know you've been trying all this time to do something for your father and I, but I've missed my son's smile for three years already." A pause. "Kunimitsu?"

"Yes, mother?"

"It's enough. No more sacrificing other people's and your own happiness for us."

"... You and Fuji talk the same way."

"That means Fuji-kun loves you very much, just as I do." His mother replies gently. "When you sacrifice yourself for those who love you, you're only hurting them in the end."

Tezuka wants to say something, but he doesn't know what. Every word he hears makes sense to him, but putting them all together gives a picture too ideal, too unrealistic for him to believe. Can he really keep on going anymore, looking for someone else to love and in the end hurt another woman, hurt himself, and as his mother said, hurt those who love him as well? Or can he do what she is suggesting he should do? Can he take this risk? What will happen to Fuji if he does?

"Do you understand what I'm talking about?"

He does. But how can he do it? His father wants children. He wants his only son to carry on the family. Tezuka can't do this to him. Perhaps he isn't as close to him as he is to his mother, but he loves and respects, even fears his father, the ordinary-looking salaryman who once did the extraordinary and brought his son to the Swiss Alps to teach him the meaning of hard work, perseverance, pushing one's own limit... what it takes to be a man.

Disappointing his father is one thing Tezuka just cannot do. He simply cannot imagine what will happen when his father finds out. Will he ever let him set foot inside the house? Will he disown him?

"If you're worrying about your father and grandfather," His mother says, as if reading Tezuka's mind, "it won't be easy. It's probably going to take months, years, to make them accept this. But one day they'll understand, when they see you're happy. In the meanwhile, I'll be on your side."

Gripping the phone tight in his hand, Tezuka bends forward on the sofa, lowering his face to his knees. He can't think at all.

"I know your father. He will come around eventually. But you have to prepared for whatever happens during the time inbetween."

There is so much confidence in his mother's voice Tezuka cannot help but believe her. Make his family understand. They'll accept it, when they see this is truly the right thing for him. It'll take time and a lot of hard work, but he can do this. For Fuji he will do this.

His voice is unsteady when he speaks. "Mother, I don't know what to say."

"Well if you're just going to hold the phone and do nothing now, I can start telling you how I won your grandfather's approval to marry your father..."

Tezuka snorts, knowing it was actually his mother, not father, who proposed for marriage - she never was a woman who cared about conventions. She has given up a lot, entering the traditional Tezuka family, to marry the man she loves. He would love to hear the tale, but for the sake of it, he laughs and says thanks, but no thanks.

"How about Fuji? Will anyone ever approve of him?"

"I'll love anyone whom my son loves and brings a smile to his face." His mother says, surely and naturally, as if she is just stating a fact. "I'll love him as I do my own child. The rest is up to him."

Tezuka's voice chokes as he mutters a thank-you.

His mother gasps in surprise. "Kunimitsu, are you crying?"

Tezuka can imagine the look on his mother's face just by listening to the amused tone of her voice. "Don't laugh at me." He says, wiping his eyes with the back of a hand. "It's been quite a day." But even as he says it, he begins to chuckle too, a genuine sound of relief and an expression of love and gratitude for his mother.

When he finally hangs up, Tezuka wonders what his life would become if he hasn't received this phone call.

And he wonders what his life will become now.

* * *

Fuji wakes around midday with only the slightest of a hangover. Politely saying no to lunch after drinking an excessive amount of juice, he shuts himself into the room again.

He hasn't looked at Tezuka in the eyes once, but after last night, it probably is too difficult for him right now. Standing outside the door, Tezuka listens to the noises of things being turned over, suitcase opening and closing, then finally, the door opens.

Fuji, stunned that Tezuka is at the door, takes a step back. "Have you seen my passport?" He asks without looking up at Tezuka's hazel eyes.

"I've got it."

"... Give it back." A shadow of a frown crosses Fuji's features, but it disappears as quickly as it comes, and he tilts his face up, his eyes crinkling up as he smiles. "I want to go home."

Tezuka pulls the passport out of his back-pocket, holding it in front of his friend. Surprised that he would get it back just like that, Fuji reaches for it, but he frowns again when Tezuka doesn't let go of the small book.

"Give it back."

"You told me something last night, Fuji." His fingers tighten as the other hand tries to yank the passport away. "I have something I want to tell you too. Will you listen?"

Finally, blue eyes open fully to look at Tezuka. Fuji studies the face before him, the smile slowly disappearing from his lips. Finally he nods, and Tezuka lets go of the passport.

Tezuka makes him sit down. "It's going to take a while."

Starting from the small conversation between his mother and himself almost six years ago, when they started going out, he tells Fuji his side of the story. His father's expectations; his duties as the only son; his reluctant decision to break up. He tells him the sheer will it took to treat him normally through the rest of high school; the torture he went through every time he heard about a new girlfriend; how he tried to love someone else, thinking feelings should fade over time, only realising it wasn't true, that the love he had during teenage was not just something that belonged just to teenage. It was much more than that, something to do with fate, perhaps. Time after time he thought he couldn't do it anymore, but he stood up and continued because it was what he had to do.

Then Tezuka tells Fuji about last night, the thoughts that went through his mind when Fuji said what he said and did what he did. He tells him his decision, that he knows who is right for him and he is ready to risk everything to make things work for them.

When Tezuka finishes, they stay silent, seated side by side on the bed, with no reaction coming from Fuji. For how long they sit like that Tezuka cannot tell, but it feels like hours has passed, just sitting here and waiting for Fuji to say something. But it has been three years already, he doesn't mind waiting that bit longer. Fuji has suffered for three years because of him, Tezuka doesn't expect anything much now. But he will win Fuji back, somehow, no matter how long it is going to take.

Bowing his head, Fuji silently wipes his eyes with the back of his sleeve. He is smiling.

Tezuka is the first to break the silence. "Fuji, I - "

A pale hand reaches for the lapels of his shirt, reaches across the line between them. It pulls gently, making him turn. The hand lets go as lips meet. Fuji kisses him.

The kiss lasts longer than the silence between them just now, no parts of their bodies touching except for lips and tongues.

When they look at each other again, Fuji's eyes are the deepest, yet clearest blue. He looks at Tezuka for a moment, then he lifts his hand, and with a finger he traces Tezuka's lips.

"I've missed this smile." He says, smiling himself, and leaning forwards for a quick kiss again.

"Fuji... it won't be easy. I don't know what's going to happen when we go back home."

When Tezuka fixes his hazel eyes on Fuji's cerulean blue ones, Fuji doesn't look away.

"I'll fight with you, no matter how long it takes."

This time, even Tezuka can feel his own smile on his face.

"I get to spend Christmas here." Fuji tilts his head slightly and closes his eyes in thought. "I wonder what Yuuta's going to say." Then, he adds, with a slightly smaller voice. "I wonder what my family's going to say."

"Fuji?"

"No, I'm not having second thoughts. The road ahead isn't going to be smooth, but I know we can do it."

This is where the true test begins. This will be the hardest part of their lives, and it will take months, years, for those they care about to truly accept them.

But as Tezuka leans down to kiss Fuji again, he know he has in his hands the true meaning of happiness and for this, he will fight for understanding, no matter how long it takes.

And he won't be fighting alone.

[end]

A/N:

1. My mother has actually said some of the things Tezuka's mom has said. So although she sounds... a bit too ideal, moms like that really do exist.

2. Everybody cries in this fic. Sorry ^^" Hope it didn't feel too out of character.

3. I actually managed to write a happy ending. Go me! (to those who don't know, I suck at happy endings) Hope it wasn't too cheesy?

4. Thank you very much for reading! :)

(5. I still can't believe I killed Yuuta...)


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